Hello traveller, you are here. Where is here? Here is nowhere. Here is a void for me to shout into, ramble about my day and feel like I'm connecting with people. In truth, I do not expect many people to join me here, but I will keep going anyway.
I have a main site -- of which I will not link you to. My reasoning for this is I wanted a place where I could run and hide to. A place where I know that nobody I know in cyberspace or reality know of. Perhaps you do know my, perhaps you don't. I was going to give a list of general-knowledge on myself, but then I figured fuck it I'll let you join the dots where you want to.
PS: You aren't here with other people, I just learned how to use JavaScript :)
The feeling of uselessness.
Sometimes I like to lay on my bed and just think about how useless I am to the tune of Dream by The Sinking Ships. This feeling dawns on me when I think of all the things I could have been doing for the past 4 fucking months where I have had nothing better to do than better myself. But hey, I didn't, and now I'm miserable. This then leaded to the ilusory truth effect; after a while of telling myself I'm a useless sack of shit, I began to believe it. I know that it's impressive that I speak Japanese, Mandarin and French and can code in multiple languages. But does that mean my mind will let me feel that way? Will it fuck.
I haven't been doing any of my school work while in lockdown, so that will undoubtably take a toll on my grades when I go back to school in September. Even with this in mind, I'm still deciding to whine about the state of my life rather than improve it. Pathetic, isn't it? Anyway, I wrote a poem...
The hours tick by as if they were seconds
Yet everything seems to remain as it were
It seems like time can progress but life will never do the same
And that everything time brings has no purpose
The hours spent sitting in silence telling myself,
'I will do it later'
Flow into nothingness
Into non-existance
And into regret
Regret that I have wasted three months which could have been spent bettering myself
Making myself the best person imaginable
But those months go by like weeks
Weeks like days
Days like hours
Hours like minutes
Minutes like seconds
Until it all runs out.
The urge to learn all there is to know gets silenced by pure toxic laziness
The 'I'll do it later' mentality is enough to kill me at this point
Yet with all this in mind
I am left to be crushed under the pressure
Very original guys.
Every now and then, I will come across a really cool looking website. While a lot of these pages can be unique, an overwhelming amound of them are clear Fauux knock-offs. While I don't mind coming across these kinds of websites, it does make me laugh a little bit how many of them have the same layout and theme. Admittedly, these site is vaguely similar to Fauux in that everything is centered and in its own div, but at least Lain isn't lore here. Don't get me wrong, I am a huge Lain fan, but the amount of sites I see trying to be Fauux and only focussing on Lain is amazing. The reason I personally keep returning to his site is because of the other content he offers - ie: games and sweet, sweet, mysteries.
I feel insecure here.
This is a problem I find I have with every page I make; I feel insecure about how I present myself to you guys. The whole damn reason I made this site was to not tell you who I am, but for some reason I feel your eyes burning into my words. On my main site, I have made many pages which get taken down by me half an hour later. The most recent one was all about how people who say they were born in the wrong generation are fucking idiots, but even that got taken down. Why was this? I think it was because I felt like I was being a cynical hypocrit -- because I was :D
But still, why does it matter what I post on my own website? It's because of insecurities. I want to be perfect for you guys. I want you to think the best of me, which is pretty fucking hard to do when I want to be witty and cynical. Anyway, I'll try to shake those thoughts and be my deep self.